[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
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Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Y’all know who you are.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
OH. COME. ON.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.