pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
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Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?