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I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.