Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
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Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Yoga Matt
Netflix and you sit over there.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.