@ZanyJaney11

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

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@stevevsninjas

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

@GrantTanaka

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

@dreamthievin

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

@QwertyJones3

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

@5hael

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

@IamJackBoot

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

@LurkAtHomeMom

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

@HatfieldAnne

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it