Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
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Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.