pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
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Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?