PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
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*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Jesus Christ lmao
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.