[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
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How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi