PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
You Might Also Like
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.