pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
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Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON