pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
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wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.