[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
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People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late