Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
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Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!