[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
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Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Expect the unexporcupine.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.