‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
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What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
What a chick magnet..
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE