Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
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Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Worth the read.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone