@Playing_Dad

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

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@XennDad

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

@TheBoydP

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

@jonnysun

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

@3sunzzz

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

@copymama

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

@Home_Halfway

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

@Fred_Delicious

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

@EndhooS

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”