Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car


The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.


sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*


I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.


Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*


The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.


Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York


“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?


“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”