Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights