@XennDad my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
@Playing_Dad Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
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@XennDad 
@TheBoydP The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
@jonnysun sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
@causticbob be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
@3sunzzz I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
@copymama Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
@Home_Halfway The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
@Reverend_Scott Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
@Fred_Delicious Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
@EndhooS “But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”