Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
You Might Also Like
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”