*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
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Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Overindulged this afternoon.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”