Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
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My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
*lint rolls you awake*
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”