Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
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The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.