Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
You Might Also Like
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.