Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
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“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra