‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
You Might Also Like
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo