Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

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I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey


*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump


Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.


I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”


My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.


Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.


I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today


A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.


Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel


All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.