@onehappyghost

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

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@sallyelegant

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

@GrantTanaka

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

@Dawn_M_

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

@bdbdleeroybrown

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

@Dallani

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

@noog

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

@dsmitty_62

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

@Annekinns

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

@Tbone7219

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@iamkits

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.