Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
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[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Not😆🤣
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am