Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
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In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.