@Smooheed

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

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@MarfSalvador

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

@djdarrellripley

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

@HenpeckedHal

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

@donni

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

@TinaMav

We are the people our parents warned us about.

@Parkerlawyer

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

@Gupton68

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

@RunOldMan

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

@Logically_JC

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.