Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
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I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.