Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
we did it you guys we saved daylight