Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.