Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
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Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
That’s amazing.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.