*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
You Might Also Like
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Boom, boom, ching!
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop