@QwertyJones3 Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
@KevinBuffalo *placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
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@QwertyJones3 
@totallyinatiff All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
@panmidwest Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
@SwirlySkittles The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
@EdgarPoop1 In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
@Rollinintheseat If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
@theDanLawler I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
@Storminika My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
@LoveNLunchmeat Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
@ArianFoster The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.