“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
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Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank