Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
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Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.