[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
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mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec