Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
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Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
when dads have a rap battle
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.