[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
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Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.