[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
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I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl