[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
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Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death