[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
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Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I wish I were this cool 😂
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”