Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
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[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.