*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
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Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!