*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
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*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie