Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
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[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I missed you with all my darts
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover