I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
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Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.