@smiles_and_nods

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

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@JessObsess

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

@EyalTweet

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

@Hormonella

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

@tobyhonk

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

@SteveKoehler22

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

@ankles_so_weak

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

@roxiqt

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

@weinerdog4life

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.