Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
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hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Awesome parenting 😂
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Somebody’s lying.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.