Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
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I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Story of my life…..
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Self-cleaning conscience
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”