[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
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A couple who are silly together stay together.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Not recommended for beginners.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.