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this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.