Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
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I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
still the best tweet of the year by far
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct