Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
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Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.