Playdough smells better than other philosophers
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ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.